People say we are fundamentally designed to notice the negative aspects first. It’s for survival, they claim. If in ancient times, those with material abundance exuded charm, then in modern times, those who appear mentally at ease, seemingly detached from survival concerns, are equally captivating. When one’s mind has ample space, they tend to notice the good in others first. I found myself envying such people. This is something I wrote during a recent period of profound mental struggle.
A Journey Through Inner Turmoil and Self-Discovery
I yearn to become someone who sees strengths rather than weaknesses in others. To achieve this, I feel I need something essential at my core, but its absence makes everything overwhelming. When alone, countless feelings of inadequacy and regret that remained hidden suddenly pour out given the opportunity. It’s not someone else’s problem, but my own—issues that ultimately require me to be entirely self-sufficient. Once again, my responsibility, my shortcomings.
The Unattainable Horizon of Self-Expectation
The pressure to not only make up for lost ground but to transcend everything feels nearly impossible. What more could be demanded? I’m walking a tightrope, trying not to drown in daily anxiety. I see others’ flaws as my own failings. Yet I observe dozens of shortcomings every day, which quickly become my own deficiencies. How can I fill these voids? Through some form of transcendent, rigorous self-improvement?
The Crushing Weight of Self-Imposed Burdens
For long, I’ve believed I had no right to struggle. So what am I now? Why am I in this state when there’s seemingly nothing to trouble me? It must be because I’m weak—another failing, another responsibility of mine. Unfulfilled responsibilities have piled up into massive obstacles surrounding me. Yet I feel neither scared nor afraid.
When the Light of Day Becomes Too Bright to Bear
While I’ve long avoided thoughts of wanting to die, sometimes I wish not to open my eyes. I fantasise about being in a car that suddenly crashes, making me vanish without a trace. Occasional fever and anxiety visit before bedtime. Each day ends with unsatisfactory feedback. There’s nowhere to place my heart, nowhere to honestly unburden myself.
Seeking Solace in the Shadows of Night
It’s not that I don’t struggle. It’s not easy. I miss my father. In this vast ocean of life, I realise I have nowhere to rest, even briefly. When I see dark water flowing at night, my mind becomes calm. I envy it. It looks comfortable, refreshing. No need to think or worry about what comes next.
Unmasking the Illusions of Self-Perception
I thought I was fine until now, but I wasn’t. How pitiful. I’m sorry for making things difficult. The thoughts of wanting to die that I had as a primary school child couldn’t have simply improved on their own. I might have misunderstood myself. I spent years escaping through brief moments of immersion strung together. I’m sorry. It seems I didn’t want to acknowledge it—too significant a flaw to address, preferring instead to pass each moment without incident.
The Bittersweet Refuge of Nocturnal Fantasies
Life forces me to look back and examine myself. It’s truly remarkable. My childhood wishes for entertaining dreams every night, hoping someone would take me away through the window while I slept—these weren’t simply because life was boring, but rather the result of censoring thoughts about wanting to die. That’s why I still have such vivid and pleasant dreams, sometimes so perfect I don’t want to wake up.
Awakening to the Raw Truth of Self
I see now. I wasn’t alright. I was merely censoring, circumventing, and escaping. The reason my body felt depleted even when nothing was wrong—it was you, my hidden self. The reason I couldn’t genuinely like myself. The reason interactions with others always felt overwhelming. I thought I had overcome these feelings, that I couldn’t be compared to those struggling in squalid pits. Yet here I am, lying in the middle of that pit, dreaming sweet dreams…
Embracing the Dawn of Renewal
I never want to hit such a difficult bottom again. So before I try to see the strengths in others, I’m first attempting to put down my psychological self-blame and burdens. Over the past few days, I finally revealed these psychological struggles to my boyfriend and other acquaintances. Their responses were warm. I shed tears not from self-consumption but from warmth. I thought, perhaps I can look forward to something, perhaps I’m not completely isolated after all. Now, I’ve found courage once more.
Continue the journey: If this resonated with you, explore “The Feeling of Not Being Helpful” where I examine how our perceived usefulness shapes our self-worth—another facet of seeing beyond our weaknesses.